Virus of Life

1. You have to believe that the nation’s current fiscal disaster is due eight months of Obama and not eight years of Bush.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don’t deserve theirs.

5. You have to believe that assault weapons and handguns are intended for purposes other than killing people.

6. You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor (or that your own household can, for that matter)

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to be that black people who do not succeed “just don’t work hard enough,” but that white people who don’t succeed are discriminated against

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don’t pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe that philanderers and adulterers make the best representatives of your party to pontificate on moral matters.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bailout.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.

19. You have to reject the notion of government-run healthcare of any kind, but expect folks to pry Medicare from you cold, dead fingers.

20. You have to be willing to associate with every tin-foil hat-wearing, anti-abolitionist, pro-militia, Third Reich nut job in the country just to reach a quorum at your own meetings.

21. You have to be more outraged by Bill Clinton staining Monica’s dress that you are by George Bush staining this country’s world reputation.

22. You have to be willing to realize that all those Constitutional rights that you blithely discarded during the last administration might well have protected you when the current administration comes after you for your crimes.

23. You have to believe that Halliburton and its ilk perform a vital service to this country.

24. You have to believe that artificial limbs and massive lifetime healthcare for our deserving veterans is going to magically pay for itself.

25. You have to believe that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11, despite eight years of documentation to the contrary.

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