Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. Fifteen minutes later, hand clerk MasterCard and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money Spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
————
Total $21.00
Oil Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to auto parts store and hand clerk MasterCard for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to parts store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up mess.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during Step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23. Dump first quart of oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from Step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with the drain plug.
27. Drink beer.
28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30. Drink beer.
31. Tighten drain plug slip on oil and bang knuckles on the frame.
32. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to Step 31.
33. Begin cussing fit.
34. Throw wrench.
35. Cuss for additonal 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandages required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stnads.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during Step 23.
45. Beer.
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
Parts $50.00
Beer $25.00
Replace Jacks $75.00 (hey the colors have to match!)
Bail $1,000.00
Towing & Impound $200.00
—————–
Total $1,350.00
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Tags: beer, comedy, funny, humor, humour, jokes, mechanic, men, more beer, women, women live longer
Its a shame that a JiffyLube Oil job costs more than $15.00
Its also a shame that women drive like retards and run their vehicles into the ground, well past the 3000 mile mark, therefore costing a new engine, new oil pan, and a slew of other replacement parts.
This also requires women to take the time to drive to Jiffy Lube, which they dont cause they dont understand cars and will make men do it.
ALSO doesnt take into account the people that women cut-off, hit, run off the road then keep going. The cost to the public is significant as well.
Lesson(s): Women shouldn’t drive; Women are idiots when it comes to technology; Anti-male jokes just arent funny because theyre not true.
True that!! This needs to be revised!!
Woman calls friend overseas to talk about what shes doing (might as well Twitter it), racks up $250 phone bill (which husband will pay).
Woman sees sale at shoe store on the way, stops and spends $300 on uncomfortable footwear that shell either never use or complain about how uncomfortable they are.
Woman leaves shoe store, drives half a block and sees sale on purses and dresses, stops and charges $600 (guess who pays for that credit card bill?? You got it!! HUSBAND!)
Woman leaves boutique, stops at the local sandwich shop to meet girlfriends and eat overly priced finger sandwiches. Picks up tab for group (another $80)
Woman stops at pet store and spends $120 for that cute puppy she already agreed not to buy cause you cant afford it. Following costs for shots, getting it fixed, food, training, personalized dog bed, collar, and leash, etc = $2500
Theres plenty more, but who knows what else goes through a womans small mind.
TOTAL COST = starting at $3730 and rising.
Let’s keep in mind that no woman will take a car in for an oil change without relentless nagging from her husband.
Remember that Jiffy Lube is the company that was caught selling unneeded transmission “services” through deception. Most women would buy that immediately.
Let’s also remember that any man that inept would never attempt to change his own oil. I’ve been changing my own oil for over 50 years and never even once had anything like that happen. Nor do I know anyone, man or woman, who has. Yes, I know women that change their own oil. If anything, they are more careful and neat about it than most men.
Finally, the 3,000 mile interval is another hoax. The oil companies want to sell more oil. Modern engines and cars do no need changing sooner than 7-8 thousand miles unless they’ve been used in very harsh conditions.
I find it interesting that there is a Jiffy lube add halfway through the joke.
I once took my older mustang through a jiffy lube because I didn’t have the time to do it myself, and they rounded off the bolt because they thought a 65 Mustang was metric, took me a half-hour to get the bolt off the next time I changed my oil, I will not let them touch my cars again.
Go to auto parts store and hand clerk MasterCard for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
Oil isn’t that expensive. . .
new filter? I think that costs extra at the lube, might be wrong.
Kitty litter? L2Neat Job.
Hand Cleaner? It’s called Lava soap, but any will do.
Scented tree? gtfo. . .
total cost: 10-15 bucks.
quite funny the joke, make me laugh. I guess it’s true, lots of times men are dumber than women. On the other hand, sometimes women are dumber than men.. ¿maybe dumbness is not related to gender?. I think so.
lol when i was reading, at first thought that men would have 3 steps like women. Rapidlly saw that there was more, keep reading and reading, and the steps were like never ending!!!! specially funny the thing of beer beer beer. I guess i will get a double ration of beer, just in case, the next time i go to change the oil of the car… vlol.
Buy 5 quarts of Mobile 1 synthetic from Walmart, $21.00. Buy a crummy and known to be faulty Fram filter from the same place for $4.00.
Remove filter, remove drain plug, spend the next 30 minutes as every last drop of oil drains out while calling and talking to your mom in that once a month miserable call. Replace parts. Hang up on mom.
Drink 14 to 16 beers like you always do, and apologize to the folks who can rebuild your engine but are stuck changing your oil at the shop.